Very Funny Norman Chad Column

SUMG · December 28, 2004

(Story written by the great Norman Chad; syndicated column carried by The Houston Chronicle):

What Doppler was to radar, Peyton Manning is to quarterbacking. In this sublime campaign of an already stellar career, here are Manning's record-setting numbers:

•Most touchdown passes in a season (49).

•Most audibles on first down in a season (117).

•Most words spoken at line of scrimmage while pointing (12,029).

•Most TV commercials concurrently airing (four).

•Most younger brothers winless in first season as NFL quarterback (one, tied with Josh McCown of Arizona).

As I watched the Colts' Manning throw his 48th and 49th touchdown passes to James Mungro and Brandon Stokley on Sunday at the RCA Dome in Indianapolis, two things came to mind:

One, they were well-thrown balls.

Two, they were well-thrown in a climate-controlled, environmentally pristine setting.

Playing in the dome is like living in Biosphere 2 — you eliminate most of the outside-world deterrents and distractions. And, indeed, Manning plays most of his games indoors. I hate to diminish Manning's wonderful season, but this is an area of expertise I've built my life around.

Quite simply, everything is easier indoors.

Have you tried running a two-minute drill from a one-horse open sleigh? Trust me, you'd rather have Michael Strahan nipping at your heels than Jack Frost nipping at your nose. So before we ship Manning straight to Canton, Ohio, let's see him bundle up and play like his rough-and-tumble predecessors.

Sammy Baugh wasn't slinging it indoors. Otto Graham didn't go to 10 straight championship games indoors. Johnny Unitas didn't throw touchdown passes in 47 consecutive games indoors. Brett Favre hasn't started 204 straight games indoors.

(Relevant personal note: I was a pinball addict back in my heyday. In fact, the 1969 song by The Who, Pinball Wizard, was loosely based on me, I was Middle Atlantic Pinball Player of the Year in 1972, and Pinball Digest named me "Pinball Sportsman of the Year" — a national honor — in 1978. But if you took that pinball machine and stuck it outside in the dead of winter, I would've been as worthless as Ken Jennings at a tractor pull. Do you know how difficult it is to use flippers with gloves on? Or to judge pinball speed in the wind?)

(Final Timmy Chang note ever: In his collegiate swan song, the all-time NCAA passer completed 31 of 46 passes for 405 yards in Hawaii's 59-40 Hawaii Bowl victory over Alabama-Birmingham. It was bittersweet for Couch Slouch — I've hyped the faceless phenom for three long years, yet never have received as much as a thank you note. From here on in, he goes at it alone.)

Anyway, in the annals of time, the most impressive accomplishments always occur outdoors. Ponce de Leon stumbled upon the Fountain of Youth outdoors. Paul Revere made his fateful equine ride outdoors. Isaac Newton saw an apple fall from a tree outdoors.

In addition to playing in "The Great Indoors," Manning has benefited from passer-friendly officiating. In effect, a defensive back can't touch a receiver these days without prior written consent of the National Football League or an extension of the Patriot Act.

Now, I don't want to pile on the league MVP here, but Manning also is one selfish sibling. How else do you explain him allowing Eli to forego a career in San Diego, which is like playing indoors with a gentle breeze, in order to go to East Rutherford, N.J., which is like playing in an air duct with a gentle stench?

Ask the Slouch

Q: First there were endless promos for the ESPN movie 3. Now, every other commercial break, we see Norman Chad doing a cameo for the upcoming ESPN poker drama Tilt. Is this what the all-sports network has come to — prime-time soap operas starring marginal talents? Where is a sports fan supposed to turn?

TOM KING

Flower Mound

A: Might I suggest Celebrity Blackjack on the Game Show Network.

Q: In my friend's bowling league, twice this season his team has had perfect games bowled against them. I suggested that, in practice, they stress defense. What do you think?

DAVE DOHERTY

Arlington, Va.

A: You are a hoot and a holler — and a buck and a quarter richer.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25.

Coach · December 29, 2004

One day last week the hosts at 103.3 took the day off, so they carried a national show and Chad called in to make his weekly NFL picks. It was hilarious. I don't remember the exact quote, but the host asked him to explain his record in NFL picks this year, and he said "No thanks, let's talk about something more pleasant, like my second marriage."

Texas Stranger · January 2, 2005

Who was it in the MG fantasy league that scoffed at me for taking Manning at # 5 overall (ahead of several "feature RB's"). I remember someone saying something to the effect of "unbelievable" in the chat box when I did it.

Coach · January 2, 2005

I don't remember, I was too busy watching all the decent players get taken in the 26 picks between my first two. I wouldn't have made the playoffs if I wouldn't have picked up Julius Jones.

Congrats on winning it, that was as tough as a league as I have been in.

Cara gave you a run for your money in the playoffs and lost by one, when Shaun Alexander got her 1 measley point. To show the complete randomness of fantasy football, Alexander went out and got 25 the next week.

Texas Stranger · January 2, 2005

That's the biggest problem with TD-only scoring, or scoring that undervalues yardage (such as yahoo default). It tends to be hit-or-miss, especially with WR's. Although St. Peyton was undoubtedly the biggest reason for my season, finding Larry Johnson available late in the season to replace Chris Brown was huge as well.

The defense was frustrating, too. In the semi-final against Cara, her defense (Jax) allowed 25 points, my defense (San Diego) pitched a shutout, but both scored the same in the league.

Hopefully I can hold on to my lead in the Pick 'em League, a football sweep would be sweet.

Kudos should also be given to e-bone, who was/is also a finalist in both leagues.

Coach · January 2, 2005

Fantasy football seems to becoming more and more random every year (just like the NFL), and this year was just too much. Because of that (and a bet with my wife), I will only be in one league next year. Just one. Baseball has actually passed football the last couple of years as my favorite fantasy sport.

However, I think you have good points on how to make the one league I will be in better. The past couple of years I had taken the points a defense can earn down by half because of what happend with Ravens defense in 2000, they pretty much won every game on their own. This year I kept with the Yahoo defaults and you are right, the defense carried too much weight. Those points need to be cut in half or close to it.

The yardage situation is tricky to me. You want to reward touchdowns, but yardage is maybe just as indicative of a good game. The other thing about keeping it heavily weighted to touchdowns is that it is easy for everyone to keep up with how their players are doing when a Game Break comes on with a score. They don't do Game Breaks for a WR reaching the 80 yard plateau. Obviously there is a lot of time to think about it, but I am leaning toward making the yards just as valuable as scores.